you left an imprint on me that i’m not sure if i can ever replace — your respect, your beliefs, your mind — i adored them all. …

i went out on a date last night, and it was, surprisingly comfortable. we had a wonderful connection, although we were fundamentally incompatible in some ways (politics, etc) with the last person i was dating – we were compatible on all levels of values and beliefs, but the conversational chemistry…

bonding w/ someone feels… incredibly special. i think about the times i bonded with you — human to human. just two hearts, two beings, in one place, entangled in warmth, safety, and love. i keep thinking about the small moments when your head would be resting on mine — it felt like such a place of comfort and peace. thank you, for giving that to me. i still think about the times i bit the tips of your finger tips and kissed them softly — i could feel them running against my cheek — and again, you felt safe.

i haven’t cared for someone in a long time — i truly, genuinely cared for you. i’d been with lovers before you. and yes, i still deeply care for one of them, but i forgot how intricate and layered it was to be intertwined with someone you would do anything for in a heartbeat. you were a special one, e. i woke up thinking of you this morning and i missed the smell of you — burying my nose into your neck — our warm selves intertwined.

My body has been holding heavy emotions as of late. It’s been a shock to my system as I haven’t experienced a deep sadness in a long while – so sometimes I start panicking trying to understand what’s normal sadness, and what is too much. My biggest fear is sinking…

dear e, thank you for everything. it was nice cuddling with you. it was nice spending time with you. it was so nice being in your arms. i loved giving you kisses, and i loved your kisses on my head. you were sweet, gentle, and kind. i wish to see more men like you, in the world – smart men. men who protect, and men who care. you were so sweet to me. i still love you. i can still feel your warmth around me – you’ve inspired me.

i miss you — but i’m not trying to get over it so quickly. i can’t. i can try and get over it by hopping on a dating app easily, but all i’m going to feel is you in my presence. it wouldn’t be fair to the people i talk…

i’m still confused after all this – after all this talking – after all this back and forth. i don’t know where you fit in my life. i’m frustrated, i’m frustrated with myself. angry — all these emotions that feel useless in the moment. give me a treadmill, that’s all I need.

I’ve always told myself in dating, that I want to leave the person better than I found them. This last instance — I truly felt that. I think we were good together while we had it. It was a short instance, but a very good one. You felt like a…